Family life

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Family life

by Usksider ^Pro @ Saturday, 19. Jul, 2008 – 09:53:17

Families are important aren't they... we all rely on them from time to time. But how honest are you with your family? Is it acceptable to hide the truth?

Okay... look, Usky has a problem and would like some advice.

My dear old Mum is in her 90s and like many other older ladies has already had to deal with the death of a life-partner.

Mum put a brave face on things after Dad died and although she got on with her life it was a long time before she started a new relationship. That relationship has really blossomed over the last 10 years or so, but now it is about to come to an abrupt end.

We found out in the week Mum's beau has terminal cancer. Mum is aware of this and is understandably upset, but she is under the impression her man has at least six months left... the medics say he probably won't live another six weeks.

Here's the dilemma... do I tell her or not?

What would you do?
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Tags:
- life
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- death
- health
- usky

14 Comments to Family life

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- subville
- http://subville.blog.co.uk/
- Saturday, 19. Jul, 2008 @ 10:17:23
Tell her. he's been through this before so even if it seems like she couldn't cope, she'll have an inner strength. And she has you.

xx
- - subville
  - http://subville.blog.co.uk/
  - Saturday, 19. Jul, 2008 @ 13:22:29
  I typo'd there. It should say "She's been through this ..."
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- Decado66 ^Pro
- Saturday, 19. Jul, 2008 @ 10:23:01
Personally I think it would be best to tell her.
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- isadora101
- Saturday, 19. Jul, 2008 @ 10:26:24
Considering her age, i'd probably be inclined to let her think that his end is not immediately imminent but at the same time, ease her, by gentle suggestion into preparing herself (e.g not leaving anything important unsaid) in case of any "unforseen" changes in his condition.
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- Tentativeplotfinder
- Saturday, 19. Jul, 2008 @ 10:40:13
Tell her. I've had to do something similar with several people, and it was always better when we've told them what's really going on.
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- ajnspencer ^Pro
- http://www.devonwallart.co.uk
- Saturday, 19. Jul, 2008 @ 11:18:37
I'd say explain the possibility it COULD be six weeks, remember, these things aren't precise so it actually could be six months given a miracle...

I'd tell her but point out that unfortunately sooner rather than later is the more likely outcome.

If nothing else how will she feel if she plans for 6 months and then in six weeks there's things left she wishes she'd said or done that she //thought// she had time to fit in.
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- deleted user (Visitor)
- Saturday, 19. Jul, 2008 @ 11:32:44
Oh dear Usky.

Personally I feel I prefer to know the truth, then I can prepare myself, and as Isadora says, those things you wish you'd said can be said, rather than living with regret for the rest of your days, although I think there's always something you still wish you'd done differently. I also agree with Subs. After losing my husband to leukemia, and nearly losing Mike last year as he arrested whilst I was talking with him in hospital after a heart attack (any excuse not to listen!), I feel even though at the time it goes as it goes, there does now seem to be some sort of inner strength, perhaps because the mind knows you can cope, it's not unchartered territory anymore, so your mum may be ok. The gamble is, how would she be if she believed and hoped it would be six months, and it wasn't? Tentative sounds like she's had experience too.

Whatever happens Usky, I hope it all goes as well as it can, which may sound odd, but in mine and many peoples' experiences, things always seem to go the best way they could possibly have gone considering all those involved, when looked back upon.

My love goes out to all of you.

XX.
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- happy28 ^Pro
- Saturday, 19. Jul, 2008 @ 11:36:49
i can't help you there, too much dilemma for me, but she might already know, its surprising how in tune you can be with your partner.
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- deleted user (Visitor)
- http://menomamauk.blog.co.uk
- Saturday, 19. Jul, 2008 @ 16:35:41
Don't tell her. Let her live with him and enjoy every last second of his life whether it is 6 weeks or 6 months. She will be able to see him deteriorate before her eyes and will know what's going on.

However, if she asks them tell her the truth.

Good luck...
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- xmillyxxx ^Pro
- Saturday, 19. Jul, 2008 @ 16:40:34
If it was me i wouldnt tell her...let them enjoy there last few weeks together....it's going to hurt either way. {{Hugs}} xx
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- deleted user (Visitor)
- Saturday, 19. Jul, 2008 @ 17:56:00
That's a real tough one! I've gone from "tell her" to reading some of the comments and thinking "maybe not", then thought maybe just say that with these things, it is hard sometimes for the medics to get it right in terms of life expectancy and therefore it could be 6 weeks, it could be longer. There is a part of me that thinks that if he dies sooner than she expects that could be quite a blow, thinking she had more time with him than she had. So do think something needs to be said to manage her expectations.
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- Neonjake
- Sunday, 20. Jul, 2008 @ 05:24:00
Truth is always the best policy. I have been through this myself. When the doctor told my husband and I that he had only a few years to live we were able to resolve a lot of issues and live our life to the fullest.
Your Mom is an adult and should be treated like one. She may resent you for not telling her after the fact.
She will make the best of the time that is left whether it is one day or one year.
Let her make her own choices. I know I would resent any interference in my life especially about something this important.
Just my opinion not advice, only you can make that decision.
jake
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- antlady69 ^Pro
- http://antmusic-forever.blog.co.uk
- Monday, 21. Jul, 2008 @ 06:07:20
A bit late:

Difficult to give you some good advice since none of us know your mom.
But if I were she, I would like to know the truth. Wouldn't you too if you were in her place? Imagine you tell her a lie and after his death she finds out you've known about it all along. It would so deeply hurt and disappoint her.

I'm curious: what have you decided on doing? And have you followed through?
- - Usksider ^Pro
  - http://www.usksider.co.uk
  - Monday, 21. Jul, 2008 @ 06:19:57
  I'd want to know too, if the boot was on the other foot.
  
  Eventually decided not to say anything immediately, but to start sowing the seeds gently over the next week or so...
  
  I can't remember the last time I followed through... I must've been mighty drunk though!
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