Or...

The Darkest Hour Is Just Before Dawn

Or maybe just...

The Welshman who went up a mountain and came down a little humbled and more right in the head

Well okay I suppose you've guessed this post is really nothing to do with the wonderful Ms Bush and her Wuthering Heights.

It's about your old pal Usky and the way his crazy head works.

When I'm feeling down and my head hurts I often take myself off to lonely places where I can just be alone with Nature and wallow in my state of mindless desperation and self-indulgence. Oddly it usually helps bring me around, giving me the opportunity to literally howl at the moon and work out my frustrations.

Last week I found myself in a location where with just a little effort I could get to the top of high place and enjoy my sense of self-pity. So I parked my car, changed my shoes, donned my jacket,,, well it was cold, for god's sake... and started climbing.

Having reached the top(ish) I surveyed the horizon and was met by a glorious, if somewhat misty, vista. Deciding I wanted more I made my way onto a rocky outcrop and looked over the edge. On a bright, clear day it would have been nothing short of spectacular.

Not satisfied, I edged myself forward until my toes were literally 'over the edge' and looked down... and for the first time in a couple of years I was hit by strong thoughts of suicide... the need to just step out and fall was so strong I almost gave way to my inner feelings and took a dive... thank god sense prevailed and I was able to step backwards.

I haven't experienced such strong feelings of the need to do away with it all for almost two years now and to be honest the episode frightened the crap out of me. I ended up sitting with my back to one of the rocks facing away from the wide world and just crying... releasing my fear and frustration.

It took quite a while for the tears to stop; I was chilled to the bone by that time and wanted nothing more in the world that a pair of welcoming arms to snuggle into... no such luck sadly. Oh well...

Back at the car I used my heated seat for the very first time, luxuriating in the comforts of modern technology and my selfishness for splurging having received my small golden-handshake. I also spent some time reflecting on my time at the cliff edge and chastising myself for the fool I obviously am. There's always someone worse off than you isn't there? So while I've been so preoccupied with my depression these last weeks, some other poor soul has been having a really nasty time.

Just a few of my thoughts... I'm thankful for being strong enough to step back and carry on... I'm sorry for being so selfish recently... I'm grateful for the love and support shown by friends here... I'm pleased to feel welcome in this community.

On a lighter note, I took my camera with me to the top of said mountain and did manage to capture a few images to remember my visit. Here's one of my captures... I hope you like it.

please click image for a larger view
I do have more pictures from that day if you'd like to see them.